Dark Shadows - Movie Review

*/5

Dark Shadows is simply another reminder of why I never watch Tim Burton movies. I think this may be the last one I ever see. Rarely do I hate a movie as much as I hated Dark Shadows. If I had not gone to the theater with my mother in law (who loved the movie, so to each his own), I might have left. If I'm being totally honest, had I not been with her, I never would have gone in the first place.

Dark Shadows tells the story of Barnabas Collins, a man so desirable that a scorned witch kills his true love, curses him to vampirehood and buries him in a box for 200 years. He resurfaces in the 1970s, meets his descendants, and does some stuff. For two hours. I think the best summation of this film was already done by io9 in their review of the movie - that this movie could make all other vampire movies obsolete, as Dark Shadows actually makes you feel the soul crushing eternity of immortality. When a movie, like the recent Avengers, is three hours long but feels 15 minutes, the filmmaker has done a good job. When the movie is two hours in length and seems to go on for years, it is a catastrophe.

I don't think I have a single genuinely nice thing to say about this movie; I can't even complement the actors. While I do like Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, their continued affiliation with Burton is infuriating and makes me want to strike them both upside the head with a boxed set of Danny Elfman music. Carter and Eva Green's terrible American accents were upstaged only by Depp's British one. The rest of the cast was an utter waste, turning vaguely talented actors into boring shells of their former selves. If you've seen any other Burton movie, you have heard an Elfman score, so the music isn't even worth mentioning.

So, delightfully, on to the writing. The screenplay was helmed by Seth Grahame-Smith, the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I haven't yet finished the book, so I can't say if this is true of all his writing, but my god, did this story drag. And meander. And although nothing seemed to happen, not a damn thing that did made any sense. Characters do things for utterly inexplicable reasons, backstories are given and then dropped, people simply wander out of the movie and are never seen again and so much new information is added in the last half hour it will make your head spin. There is a witch, and she has the ability to curse someone into being a vampire (ignoring all rules of vampirism in the process). There are also ghosts, hippies, a werewolf and for no apparent reason, Alice Cooper. I will admit, the only part of the movie I enjoyed was when Cooper was singing. No traditional rules of magic and supernaturality were followed - a major pet peeve of mine - and things seemed to have been made up entirely on the fly. 

The only redeeming quality of this movie - provided you like shots of waves crashing on rocks - is that there are at least 15 shots of waves crashing on rocks. Rather than using a fade like a normal editor, or even a clockwise wipe like Star Wars, this editor chose to insert footage of his holiday at the beach every chance he got. Over and over and over again.

Lastly, since it has been bothering me since yesterday, how the hell were there descendants of Collins if he had been an only child and never had children himself? Cutting off the family tree at that branch would have saved me a two hour headache.

The Avengers - Movie Review

*****/5

It is not often that I see a movie more than once in theaters. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie and Mean Girls are the only ones that come to mind. In addition, I am quite certain that there has only been one movie that I wanted to see again immediately after the credits finished rolling. And that movie is Marvel’s The Avengers.

The Avengers, helmed by my personal god Joss Whedon (of Buffy and Firefly fame), is the culmination of an unprecedented five films (Iron Man 1 and 2, Thor, Captain America and The Incredible Hulk), with at least three more sequels in the works (Iron Man 3, Captain America 2 and Thor 2) and the idea of two more Avengers movies*. With close to a decade of anticipation and an astronomical budget ($220 million, which makes the gross of $207 million from the opening weekend alone even more impressive), there was a huge amount of pressure on this film. As I practically worship Whedon, I had nothing but faith in the movie, but I had to agree with the sentiment that if it bombed, it would take many careers with it. Fortunately, it is just as amazing as everyone hoped.

The basic premise makes it a seamless sequel to all of the aforementioned films – Thor’s brother, Loki, plans to take over Earth using the power of the Tesseract, the secret weapon used by Hydra in Captain America. Nick Fury, played by the ever magnificent Samuel L. Jackson, recognizing the threat Loki poses, assembles a group of the world’s most powerful, bringing Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanov into a room together for the first time. Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson reprise their roles here, but new to the group is Mark Ruffalo as the third Hulk in as many movies, and in my opinion, the best. He portrays the character as utterly self-loathing, while still being likable to the audience, which is surprisingly unique.

Thor soon joins them, played by the unbelievably hunky Chris Hemsworth, to battle his brother. Tom Hiddleson, as Loki, is one of the stand-out actors of the film, being both whiny and annoying, and utterly terrifying. The scene where he threatens Natasha/Black Widow is absolutely chilling, and we truly feel that not only is he willing to destroy everyone on the planet, he will enjoy every minute of it. His past is no cause for this derangement (being the adopted son of the All Father has it’s perks), so I must agree with Banner when he says, “That guy’s brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell crazy on him.”

This leads me to another point – the writing in this movie is just superb. I expect nothing less from Whedon, as he has a beloved skill of writing tense action, razor sharp wit and utter heartbreak, often all in the same scene. The humor in Avengers in no exception, with a few scenes so funny that I could not catch following lines because the audience was laughing so loud. My personal two favorite punch lines have no dialog, forcing us to recall the beginning of the joke. I won’t give either away, but I will advise all readers to stay all the way through the credits, as there are two bonus scenes for this movie.

As with any other review, I must find one thing to nitpick, and with Avengers, there is really only one thing that I can think of. Through most of the movie, Bruce Banner does his utmost to keep the Hulk at bay, and when he is unleashed, all hell breaks loose. This is standard procedure and no real surprise. However, when the final battle comes and in order to fight Banner must ‘Hulk out’, he suddenly has the beast under control, with no real explanation for what caused this sudden change in demeanor. This may be a deleted scene, or perhaps something I missed, but I was left in confusion about how the Hulk became a choice rather than an affliction.

All in all, a great movie, and definitely one I recommend seeing in theaters – at least once.

* Also, there may be a Nick Fury movie. Crazy!

Chronicle - Movie Review

*****/5

Chronicle was the first movie I have seen in theaters in months, and I was extremely pleased to discover that I had not wasted my money on it. When I first saw the trailer I thought it was going to be a lame X-Men knockoff, and while I did love Push, I do not tend to like repeated versions of the same idea. Chronicle is, essentially, what X-Men would be if it were just based around the kids, with no Professor X or Magneto. There are no "good guys" and "bad guys", merely three teenagers who are suddenly endowed with incredible and unexplained gifts. What makes this movie truly extraordinary is that it is honestly realistic. No, I don't believe in telekinesis, but if a group of 17 year old boys were suddenly able to do so, this is how it would turn out.

Without giving too much of the plot away, the boys, Andrew, Matt and Steve, all acquire these powers and spend some months playing with them, becoming stronger, and learning how powerful and dangerous they can be. Then one of them goes crazy and starts killing people. If this were to happen in real life, that is just about how it would play out. They wouldn't suddenly become super heros and start rescuing orphans and kittens, they would mess with their neighbors until they realized they could do a lot and get away with it. And then they would do it. I thought the acting was really phenomenal, Dane DeHaan (Andrew) in particular. He looks and acts like a young Leonardo DiCaprio and he portrayed an emotionally unstable teenager with enormous talent. I look forward to seeing more of him in the future.

My only major problem with the movie was the cinematography. I am a fan of the handheld camera style and I think it has been done well a number of times. Chronicle was not nauseating like Cloverfield, and the quality was better than The Blair Witch Project. I would have been entirely on board with it if new cameras were not added. We are introduced with Andrew's camera and told that he will be taking it everywhere with him - he is the narrator and we are seeing his movie. Then we begin to receive footage from other camera: another student, security cameras and police cameras. Suddenly, the intimate feel of a handheld camera is lost. What makes that style so special is that it feels real - like an unedited documentary that only you are seeing. When new cameras are added, this point is defeated. You become aware that at least an editor was needed to collect and compile all the footage, and there goes the intimacy. Dave and I had a long conversation about this, and while his point is correct - there was not really a way to show all of this via one camera, when the cameraman goes insane - I wonder why the filmmakers decided to go the handheld route to begin with.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Movie Review

****/5

When I first saw the trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I was not expecting great things. I have only seen parts of the version with Mark Whalberg, which, despite having a great cast (other than Marky Mark), is utter rubbish. The whole idea struck me as rather silly, but with good graphics. The second trailer cast a new element onto the idea, suggesting that there might be an actual story in the thing. Since it was either that or Final Destination 5 as the second movie at Becky's, it wasn't a difficult choice. I was pleasantly surprised with the result.

The film opens with a scene reminiscent of Mighty Joe Young, a movie that apparently scarred me far more than I realized as a child. Chimpanzees are hunted through the jungle by men with trucks and guns, to be captured and caged in boxes barely large enough to fit their body. This strikes a cord with me for a number of reasons, the largest being my disgust at the use of apes in testing. These are creatures so like us they can learn to communicate with us. When I was young I had a book about Koko the Gorilla, and one part talks about Michael, the male gorilla she lived with. He was mean to her and she signed "Toilet Head" in response. I don't think I have thought of apes as animals since then. How can we do medical testing on creatures only one tiny genetic code away from us?

Unlike what I have seen or heard about all the other movies (seven in all, as well as two TV shows), not only is this movie the only one that documents the start of the rebellion (hence Rise of), this is the only movie that casts all of the apes, not just a handful, in a good light. The apes are lab animals, used to test a new, radical medication that has the potential to reverse Alzheimer's and various other neurological diseases. It creates new pathways in the brain in order to repair damage - in an undamaged brain, it enhances natural intelligence. The result is a group of apes with the intelligence and reasoning power of a brilliant human, but still with the body and instincts of a chimp (or gorilla or orangutan). Rather than simply registering fear and hate at their captivity, the apes see injustice and a desire to escape, and have the mental capacity to do so.

This post has gone in quite a different direction than what I was intending. I was planning on a simple movie review, but in a way, the movie itself is to blame for that. There are human characters in the movie, but the acting is so stiff and uninteresting that you can pretty easily forget that they are there. James Franco, a star for reasons I fail to understand, is the extremely awkward narrator - providing entirely unnecessary voice over and at one point ending a thought so strangely that it made an otherwise serious moment hilarious. His character, Will, is the head scientist behind the drug, and naturally has a father (John Lithgow) slowly dying of Alzheimer's. Freida Pinto, so fantastic in Slumdog Millionaire, was just sort of boring as the zoo vet (who questions not at all the fact that Will has a pet chimp) turned girlfriend who is bothered-ish by the treatment of the apes, but not enough to actually do anything. Brian Cox is typically evil as the head of an 'ape santuary' and Tom Felton is god awful as his psychotic son. I'd need to watch it again to tell if I hated him because of the character (who is positively vile) or because of the acting, but every time he came on screen, I cringed.

That's all OK though, since the real star of the movie - who bizarrely has almost last billing on IMDb (after "guy with newspaper", for crying out loud) - is Andy Serkis, as the chimp Caesar. If that name sounds familiar, it's because he did the motion capture and voice work for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings. He has made a name for himself doing incredibly difficult motion capture work - as well as Gollum he was King Kong in the most recent movie, and he is to be Captain Haddock in the new Tin Tin movies. As Caesar, the leader of the revolution, he is astounding - not only does he make a chimp a totally sympathetic character, he does so while being absolutely convincing as a chimp. The effects and his skill are such that for the most part, you forget that they are effects. There are some moments that look odd, but they are easy to overlook. The scene where Caesar stands up to Tom Felton's character (I don't want to give any more away) is chilling. I'm honestly getting goosebumps now, it's that powerful.

So, yea. The acting from the humans is pretty crap, but it's a great movie anyway. Go see it.

Conan the Barbarian - Movie Review

**/5

Saturday morning was my first class of the school year. Yea, Saturday morning. At 8am. That means getting up at 6:30. On Saturday. Kill me. Also, the class is Anatomy and Physiology lab. We will be dissecting a cat. On Saturday mornings. Is this real life? Anyway, since the morning sucked so hard, a friend and I went to Becky's Drive In. They had an epic double feature option of Conan the Barbarian and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and that was way too good to pass up. I saw the original Conan the Barbarian my freshman year of high school. It supposedly fit into the course curriculum but all I remember is my English teacher attempting to censor the sex scenes by putting a piece of paper in front of the projector. This might have worked if she had turned the sound down as well, and held the paper against the projector lens. As it was, we were able to hear perfectly well the horrid Schwarzenegger sex noises, and the paper thing only created a smaller screen. For a 14 year old, it was hilarious.

For a 24 year old with a love of insane bloodbaths, Conan the Barbarian (the new one) was just OK. Unlike other movies of it's ilk - The Scorpion King comes to mind - none of the characters were particularly memorable. I take that back, almost none. Ron Perlman, as Conan's father, was rather delightful. This is a man who got his start playing a caveman without makeup. I still can't decide if he is fiercely unattractive or very sexy. And he's downright awesome in Sons of Anarchy. But yea, other than him, nothing really spectacular from any of the actors. Jason Momoa, as Conan, was big and growly with an admirable rear but the actor who played the younger version, Leo Howard, had more guts. Rose McGowan, some witch chick, was her normal, disturbing self with along with a decidedly not normal forehead. I'm amazed, every time I see her in a movie, that people keep paying her to 'act'. She's truly awful.

Speaking of terrible actresses, Rachel Nichols (as TaMARa, not TAmara, just so she is a bit more exotic) is utterly devoid of emotion other than 'vaguely irritated but still trying to look sexy'. In one scene she - along with a group of large men who really do the work - defeat an enemy and she looks about her with such an idiotic expression that I wanted to stab her with the sword she could barely lift. The bad guy, Khalar Zym, portrayed by Stephen Lang (also known as 'Ohhh, THAT guy!) was utterly forgettable other than that horrible spider-mask thing. He kind of fights, but his daughter (Rose McGowan) does most of the work and he mostly just glares and makes snarky comments.

Alright, so the acting was shit, but who expected more? The movie wasn't even as epic as it could have been. There were a number of times I thought "I would have done this" or "This would have been better", which makes me wonder why no one in Hollywood has hired me yet! So many opportunities were lost - no close ups of angry elephants, no hilarious side kick, no Dwayne Johnson... What we did get was an overabundance of implied incest (never a good thing), a really obnoxious sidekick that was obviously a failed take-off of Arpid in The Scorpion King and a really lame sea monster. On the other hand, we did get tomahawk wielding crazies who scream like velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but we didn't get to see a whole lot of them. The first 40 minutes was entertaining, then it just got old.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but only because I was able to laugh and comment loudly (in the car), only paid $4 for it (or rather, nothing, since my friend paid for me), and was going to see a better movie right after. Save your money on this one.

Crazy, Stupid, Love. - Movie Review

*****/5

The summer movie season this year has been truly astounding. As a former film student I do see more than my share of movies in theaters - I don't drink alcohol, so this is where much of my spending money goes - and usually there are a number that I had high hopes for that were truly dreadful. The biggest disappointment I have had so far this summer was Captain America, and even that wasn't terrible. Part of it may be that I try to keep my expectations low so I can't be let down. That certainly went for Crazy, Stupid, Love. The trailer made me laugh quite a bit, especially Emma Stone's reaction to Ryan Gosling's amazing body, "Ugh, it's like you're photoshopped!" I was expecting a decent romantic comedy. I was not prepared for the sincerity and depth I got.

The movie opens with Cal, Steve Carell, and Emily, Julianne Moore out to dinner. They are middle aged and together long enough that the passion left their marriage a few decades earlier. Cal asks what she wants for dessert, Emily says she wants a divorce. It is far more painful to watch than the similar scene in Mrs. Doubtfire - Cal so utterly shell-shocked all he asks is that Emily stop talking about it, and she is so guilty and unhappy that the only thing she can't do is stop talking. There is no discussion of who moves out, Cal simply does it. He drowns his sorrows in a bar for a few days until he is approached by Jacob, Ryan Gosling's immensely attractive and horridly chauvinistic character.

Jacob takes Cal under his wing after debating whether to 'help him or euthanize him'. Their entire relationship is like this first meeting - Jacob insulting Cal and teaching him how to dress, and Cal going along with it because he has nothing else to do. Jacob successfully makes Cal in his image, making him quite a ladies man, and Steve Carell cleans up well enough that this is believable. At the same time that Cal is sowing his oats Jacob falls suddenly and unexpectedly in love with Hannah, Emma Stone's lovely and hilarious law student.

The acting is what makes this movie so fantastic. The writing alone is great, but left in the hands of less sympathetic actors it would have fallen apart. Ryan Gosling maintains his charisma while being a huge perv, Steve Carell able to be injured even when he is in the wrong. Julianne Moore is so unsure of her own feelings that you just want to hug her and tell her it will be OK. Emma Stone is perpetually bubbly, whether actually happy or angry and drunk.

Jonah Bobo, as Cal and Emily's son Robbie may be the greatest actor in the entire film. He is madly in love with his babysitter Jessica - played by America's Next Top Model alum Analeigh Tipton - and is so sure of himself that we know he must get the girl in the end. At the same time he doing his best to get his parents back together, not because he wants a whole family again, but because he knows that they still love each other and belong together. Marisa Tomei and Kevin Bacon are excellent supporting characters, and I don't think I have liked either of them more in any other film.

The film as a whole was completely satisfying, and I can't really think of anything I didn't like. Well, maybe the scene at the end with the photograph, that was a little creepy. You'll know what I mean when you see it. However, the ending is very good - not 'pat', it isn't 'happily ever after' for everyone, though you do get the sense that it will be happy at some point for most people. Nothing happens quickly in the movie - the pace is not slow, it just happens in a believable way. It certainly had it's heart-wrenching moments, but it also has some stunningly funny ones. Steve Carell gets in a line about Marisa Tomei's character that made the theater practically explode, and there were at least two times that a plot twist - completely unexpected but not ridiculous - shocked me speechless.

This is a movie I would recommend to anyone, male or female, over the age of 13 or so who has ever been, will ever be, or is in a relationship. Or even if you don't like relationships - you can watch this and crow that you don't have these problems. Just go see it.

Horrible Bosses - Movie Review

*****/5

Two years ago, when The Hangover was being heavily marketed, I was in India. I heard none of the hype, saw no trailers, and when I returned to the states, it was all anyone was talking about. I may have watched a trailer then, I don't remember, but I know that going into the theater my expectations were very low. As anyone who has seen the movie knows - and tickets sales suggest that that was everyone in this country over the age of six months - it is hilarious. My low expectations made it even better. The same could be said about Horrible Bosses.

Everything I saw about Horrible Bosses suggested that it was going to be another stupid Hangover rip-off. The only thing that made it remotely interesting was the cast - a movie with Kevin Spacey, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Jamie Foxx can't be all bad. Jennifer Aniston seems to be permanently stuck in the role of Rachel Green, so she lowered my expectations of the movie even further.

On Saturday, when the weather finally began to cool down, Dave and I went to Becky's Drive In. They have an awesome double feature deal (2 movies for $8) and Captain America had just opened, so that took care of film one. Our choices for the second feature were Transformers 3 or Horrible Bosses. I would rather perform oral on a wall socket than watch another Transformers movie, so it was Horrible Bosses by default. In the end, I think I liked it better than The Hangover, and certainly more than Captain America.

The premise of the movie is basic and totally relatable - three men, friends since high school, stuck in jobs with bosses that may in fact be agents of Satan. During a drunken bitch-fest the friends determine that it would be better for them and society at large if their bosses were no longer alive. Having had awful jobs and currently being in the employ of a boss slightly on the difficult side, I totally relate to the fantasy side. These men actually decide to carry out their plan and hire a murder consultant - the recently paroled Jamie Foxx, who later spouts these words of wisdom: "Don't go into a bar and give a guy $5,000 just cause he's black". Seriously, don't.

We laughed pretty consistently throughout the movie, with one recurring cat attack moment reducing me to coughing fits when I choked on a piece of funnel cake (did I mention that Becky's has funnel cake?). I had no major problems with the plot - the issues of "why don't they just quit?" and "can they really go through with it" are addressed creatively and believably. Like all good comedies it does not drag, clocking in at 98 minutes. I absolutely recommend it to anyone who has ever had the desire to choke their boss until his eyes pop out of their sockets and roll across the floor... Just me? Ok.

I still recommend it.

Captain America: The First Avenger - Movie Review

**/5

The superhero movie genre has really impressed me lately. X-Men: First Class was superb, Thor was a lot of fun and was almost brought to "good movie" status by Anthony Hopkins and Kenneth Branagh. Both Iron Man movies were great, and of course there is no comparing Christopher Nolan's Batman films to any other. We have come a long way from Danny DeVito as the Penguin - and let's just try to forget the monstrosity that was Wolverine. I have been looking forward to The Avengers since it was first rumored, and even more so since Joss Whedon took the helm. So I was confused and disappointed with Captain America.

Set during the last 'good' war the United States has been a part of, it is furiously patriotic but not obnoxiously so. Steve Rogers is played by the exceedingly handsome Chris Evans - who had been able to show off his acting talent more in Push, of all things; a very underrated movie that is like X-Men on crack. I also just discovered he was the Human Torch in The Fantastic Four, does this man do anything other than superhero movies?! Anyway... Steve Rogers is the 98 pound weakling you were warned about. He is desperate to fight in the war but would be of more use as ammunition than as a soldier. After an unnecessarily long sequence of him really, really, really wanting to fight, he gets the chance. He is spotted by Dr. Abraham Erskine, portrayed by Stanley Tucci, who is rapidly becoming one of my favorite actors. The Doctor sees past the tiny stature (and weirdly disproportionate head) and chooses him to be the first subject in a super soldier experiment.

It works, then things go wrong, and Steve becomes the one and only soldier of his kind. Of little use on his own he is made a figure head, dubbed Captain America, dressed in tights and sent around the country to sell war bonds. This is the best of the long sequences in the movie, and perhaps my favorite part of the movie, period. You watch Steve go from shy, unsure and wishing he was doing something more, to confident, charismatic and with the knowledge that what he is doing, silly as it may seem, really is helping. It also gives us a few amusing scenes where Captain America fights Hitler single handed, and allows him to respond to the question "Do you know what you're doing?" with "Oh yeah. I've knocked out Adolf Hitler over 200 times."

Other than the humor in some scenes, however, the movie was sadly forgettable. The villain, The Red Skull (played by Hugo Weaving, who has apparently made a career around being weird as hell*) was scary looking, and the suspense around revealing his face was drawn out well enough, but he was less of a super villain and more... just a Nazi, really. They don't need anything else to be terrifying.

I was saved from utter boredom by The Girl, Peggy - Hayley Attwell - and Colonel Chester Philips - Tommy Lee Jones. Peggy is suitably badass for a WWII British Agent, at one point standing boldly in front of a speeding car to shoot the driver, and is only once dressed provocatively. She is more of another character than a love interest, and I appreciated that. The Colonel is a lovable cranky man we all know Tommy Lee Jones to be, and most of the more amusing scenes have him to thank for carrying them. Toby Jones, the weird Truman Capote look-alike is the Red Skull's sidekick and is more interesting than his master.

Really, what saved this movie for me was the teaser trailer for The Avengers we were surprised by at the end. The ending of the film is such an unnecessary downer it was fortunate that there was something to pick it up after the credits rolled.

*I just want to make note of the fact that Hugo Weaving has played, in his acting career, a drag queen, a computer program, a burn victim who goes by one letter, an elf, a giant robot, a dog, an owl, and now a Nazi. Also, he is Nigerian.

Midnight in Paris - Movie Review

*****/5

As much as I hate to admit it - I am a real failure of a film student sometimes - this is only the third Woody Allen movie I have seen. I saw Everybody Says I Love You years ago, and have been sad ever since that it is out of print, it is quite delightful. Hannah and Her Sisters is equally good, though truly depressing. Midnight in Paris, while still undoubtedly a Woody Allen movie, is very different from both.

It is also very different from the trailer. Previews showed the film to be typical Allen fare: a quirky, romantic comedy set in a bohemian city with a sweet but awkward man as the protagonist. Owen Wilson wanders the streets of Paris at night and gets into mischief. Lovely, but not enough to make me go see it. I'm glad I heard good things about the movie from my friends (thanks Jocelyn!) because I loved it.

Yes, Owen Wilson does wander the streets of Paris at night and gets into mischief, but what the trailer gives no hint of, and which is the point of the whole movie, he is time traveling. Owen Wilson's character, Gil, lives in a perpetual state of nostalgia, wishing more than anything that he lives in Paris in the 1920s. His fiance and her parents are visiting the city, and he is having far more fun than the rest of them in the city of his dreams. After a long night of wine tasting he gets lost and is picked up by a group of revelers in an antique car, just as the clock strikes midnight. These revelers happen to include F. Scott Fitzgerald, Cole Porter, and Ernest Hemingway. As my fiance Dave said, "wow, that's a lot more interesting!"

As with all Woody Allen movies it is the acting that draws you in more than the plot, at least at first. Wilson plays Gil as a sweet but lost young man, so in love with the idea of being in love that he can't see that his fiancee is a witch. Rachel McAdams, usually so delightful, is an absolute harridan in Midnight in Paris. She treats her fiance like a project, something to be fixed and displayed for viewing, and she seems to relish the opportunity to publicly humiliate him. She is the kind of woman who should raise show dogs rather than children. Her mother, played by the wonderful Mimi Kennedy, is no doubt the source of much of her behavior - this woman's favorite and much used catchphrase, "cheap is cheap", is used to describe everything from furniture to Gil himself. The father, Kurt Fuller, is an image of what Gil will become if he is trapped in this family forever - downtrodden but vile in his own right. Possibly my favorite of the modern day people is Paul, the extremely underrated Michael Sheen. Paul knows everything, and likes telling this to everyone else. The few times Gil rises to the bait are both very real and very funny.

Marion Cotillard plays Adriana, the young French woman that Gil meets in the 1920s. This woman has incredible range, and must be given more work. Anyone who saw her in Inception knows that she can be both sweet and sexy and also horrifyingly psychotic. We see her sweet and sexy side only in this, but we still have the feeling that she wouldn't hesitate to kill someone if she found it necessary. Kathy Bates is a harsh but kind Gertrude Stein and Alison Pill is a charming but very disturbed Zelda Fitzgerald.

My favorite 20s character, and possibly my favorite of the entire movie, is Corey Stoll's Ernest Hemingway. He is a creepy womanizer who speaks in full paragraphs of run-on sentences, which I guess is far more funny if you have actually read his work. Our first introduction to this is almost the first thing he says; when Gil states that he loves Hemingway's work his response is "Yes. It was a good book because it was an honest book, and that's what war does to men. And there's nothing fine and noble about dying in the mud unless you die gracefully. And then it's not only noble, but brave." All this uttered in one breath accompanied with a blank stare that gives you the impression not all of him left the trenches of WWI.

The movie is essentially about self discovery and the idea that your ideal place and time is not what you want it to be, but what you make it. Living in a fantasy is all right for a while, but in the end it becomes too problematic. Better to find love and happiness where you belong than chase a dream you can never have.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil - Movie Review

*****/5

I have wanted to see this movie for almost two years now, and I was ecstatic when I saw it listed on the SouthSide Film Festival schedule. It was actually at the festival last year because one of the team saw it at Sundance in 2010 and loved it, and it was so popular last year that they brought it back for a special late night showing. It was everything I hoped it would be and more, and I'm really happy that it seems to finally be getting a wider release. Yay for Magnolia pictures!

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is a spin on traditional redneck slasher films. Rather than having some terrifying group of inbred mountain people slaughtering hot young college things, we have a pair of (possibly inbred) hicks who only mean well. The hot young college things are the real danger here, to themselves and others, and the results are as funny as they are gory. This movie, like others in the horror and horror/comedy genres, is quite bloody, and those with weak stomachs might want to think twice. For those with a sick sense of humor, like me, you will no doubt find it amusing.

Dale and Tucker are played by, respectively, Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk (of Firefly, the greatest TV show ever made). The have a sweetly idiotic attitude and you can't help but feel sorry for them as you laugh at the horrible situation they are forced into. Seriously, how do you tell a cop that these stupid college kids keep killing themselves all over your property?

As with most horror movies, not a lot can be said about the plot without giving too much away, so I will leave it at that. I found the love story a bit contrived, but cute nonetheless. The chemistry between the protagonists is perfect, and they both seemed to enjoy the filming. This movie is seriously hilarious, and I encourage anyone who liked Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland or Doghouse to check it out.

Africa United - Movie Review

*****/5

Africa United was the first film I got to see at the SouthSide Film Festival. While it is on one level a fun kid's movie about friendship and football (that's soccer to you Americans), it is also an cross section of African culture and demographics, at least as we know it. Having been a completely African made film (shot in Burundi, directed by a Rwandan, starring children from various countries), I trust that this is not simply America's perception of Africa put on film.

The film opens with the main character, 13 year old Dudu, explaining how to make a football in Africa. First you take a condom, any kind will do. He gets his from the UN. Blow up the condom and tie it off. Surround it with plastic bags to add weight and durability. Finally, wrap it with string. The lesson evolves into a speech on the necessity of condoms. All of the good presidents use them. Maybe if Dudu's parents had, maybe they would still be alive. These first few moments set the tone of the movie. Part documentary, part children's movie - even when you are laughing you never forget the devastation of disease and poverty.

Dudu is our guide and narrator in the movie. He is the 'manager' of Fabrice, his best friend and resident rich boy. Fabrice's mother wants him to be a doctor when all he wants to do is play football. Dudu's sister, Beatrice, who lives with him in a shack, wants nothing more than to be a doctor. The three children live in Rwanda, and this is the summer of 2010. The World Cup is only a month away and no one is thinking about anything else. A scout notices Fabrice's "silky skills" (Dudu's term for his footwork) and invites him to try out for the youth team to open the ceremonies.

The result is a 3,000 mile trek from Rwanda to South Africa. Dudu, Fabrice and Beatrice meet up with Foreman George, a former child soldier, and Celeste, a (possibly) former child sex worker. In addition to disease and poverty, war is never far out of our minds. Celeste is of royal blood, but that means nothing when the monarchy is deposed. The children's quest involves poorly marked buses, big cats, mango crates, mercenaries, HIV testing, elaborate stories told by Dudu (and accompanied by amazing puppetry) and border crossings.

The film is at times hilarious - Dudu's use of the English language is delightful and possibly an improvement on the way we speak it; "The world is our ostrich", and "Keep the prize in your eyes" are two of my favorite phrases of his. It is also shocking and sad - one of the main characters was involved in a massacre, another is not HIV free. In the end we are left with hope for them all, but also the knowledge that that hope may be futile.

I loved this movie, and I hope to see it at least on DVD in the US soon, if not in a limited theatrical release. I must also make note of the fact that the director, Debs Gardner-Paterson, is a woman. This is a rarity that should be acknowledged. I hope to see more from her in the future.

Normally I do not include trailers in my reviews because I assume everyone has seen them already. As that is likely not the case for these films, I will include all the trailers I can.



Impossible is nothing.

X-Men: First Class - Movie Review

****/5

I have been really impressed with the superhero movies of late. Both Iron Man movie have excelled, Thor was delightful, and the Batman movies almost don't count as "superhero" movies - they are genuinely awesome of their own right. X-Men: First Class continued in the same line.

Leaving X2, 3 and the abysmal Wolverine far behind, it did what the first tried to do, and did it better: it is a movie about the X-Men that ever so slightly makes fun of X-Men. It's self awareness is what made it work for me the way it did. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge X-Men fan. I wore a Rogue style skunk stripe in my hair in high school and I'm one of the 9 people who actually saw Wolverine in theaters - guess which of those two embarrasses me more. Hint, it's not the hair one. As a result, I would have gone to see this movie regardless of how good it was, but I don't think I'd have seen it opening weekend if I hadn't heard such good things about it.

It is really excellent. The casting was great; Jennifer Lawrence, who will soon be gracing theaters as Katniss Everdeen - the heroine of the Hunger Games and one of the greatest role models for young girls ever written - plays Mystique as a vulnerable young woman desperately looking for acceptance and affection. James McAvoy is a charming, if not particularly sexy, Charles Xavier and holds his own, though does not capture the character the way Patrick Stewart did. Michael Fassbender, unlike McAvoy, does make Magneto sexy in addition to very dangerous and slightly unhinged.

January Jones is a *cough* cold Emma Frost - so emotionless and nasty that we almost overlook the fact that she is only partially dressed for the entire movie. The rest of the cast is extremely good - the young mutants are endearing without being annoying, and the adults seem like actual people rather than caricatures. Rade Serbedzija scares the shit out of me, so I was rather distracted during all of his scenes, but that is a personal problem. Really, it's because after watching Mighty Joe Young as a child he haunted my nightmares for months, but you don't really care, do you?

Kevin Bacon, on the other hand, bears some mentioning. Sebastian Shaw is the "Big Bad" of the movie, bent of nuclear war to rid the world of it's pesky humans. At first sight, Bacon is an amusement. "Oh look, Kevin Bacon. Quick, someone sing Footloose!" Soon, however, he becomes tedious and brings absolutely nothing to the movie other than the question of why cast Kevin Bacon? Maybe Christoph Waltz was busy, or didn't want to play a Nazi again so soon, but I feel he would have been a far better Shaw.

Clocking in at 2 hours and 12 minutes, the film was surprisingly long, but never dragged. Start to finish, it was engaging and at times sweet, funny and exciting. Speaking of start, the opening scene of Erik and his family in a concentration camp is shot for shot from the first X-men movie - so much so that I was at times wondering if the editors had simply reused footage.

Personal favorite things:

All of the inside jokes for the benefit of hardcore fans
Excellent cameos - look carefully, they go by fast

Absolute best use of the one allowed "fuck" in a PG-13 rated movie I have ever seen

Less than favorite things:

A number of mistakes, especially math issues: in 1942 Erik and Charles are both 12, but in 1962 Charles is only 24
There is no after the credits scene, so don't wait in the hopes of one

Honestly, I had to think of things to complain about for this one. Definitely go see it, it's really quite good.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Movie Review

**/5

I remember when the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out, I saw it in theaters twice. I've never seen a movie more often then that on a big screen, and have only done so with a handful of others. I loved that movie, as did everyone else. It was surprisingly fresh and original, with a fun storyline and good action. Unfortunately, as with many franchises, it did very well in the box office and was never able to evolve. Each sequel has been more formulaic than the last, and my disappointment grows. On Stranger Tides is no different.

Think about the first movie. What were some of the most enjoyable scenes? The fencing scene between Will and Jack in the rafters of the blacksmith's? Jack's daring escapes? Battles at sea? Attractive young women with barely concealed breasts? Well, if those were your favorite parts of The Black Pearl, save yourself some money and just watch that one again. On Stranger Tides does every single one of those things, only not as well. It is like the executive producers sat down to watch The Black Pearl and made a list of their favorite things, and then made sure all of them made it into this movie.

In addition to repeating a lot of old favorites until they are cliche and annoying, so many new elements were added in this movie that there was not enough time to explain them all. Barbossa is back, of course. He, Gibbs and Keith Richards are the only characters who have appeared in the previous movies, apart from Jack. Added into the mix are Angelica (Penelope Cruz), the only woman Jack has ever had "stirrings" for. "Stirrings", incidentally, are slightly less powerful than "feelings". Also Blackbeard (Ian McShane), the only real pirate in this series. Filling the Will and Elizabeth rolls are Philip and Syrena, a Christian and a mermaid, respectively.

Since two of the three main characters of the previous movies were missing, OST seemed to try to reboot the series completely, as well as having a complicated story line. The result is a long, garbled mess. Too many characters and ideas are introduced, and not enough time spent on any of them. There are mermaids and zombies and Blackbeard and so many other things you almost forget that the main object is the freaking Fountain of Youth! I just did, honestly, right now, and I saw the movie about ten hours ago.

I did like Blackbeard, but that's because I love reading about real pirates. I was pretty excited to hear that he was in this one, and I was pretty pleased. A number of his legendary traits were included - lighting his beard on fire to scare his enemies, his decapitated body swimming around his ship - but I'm not sure that the added supernatural powers were needed. Maybe the writers thought that a telekinetic Blackbeard would be less frightening than the real one. The one in the movie didn't shoot people in the kneecaps for fun, so I guess that was their reasoning.

It was an entertaining two hours, but I'm not really sure what it was about. Not really worth paying for, and certainly not worth watching in 3D, which I didn't. It can't have been that spectacular. I've rather lost faith in this franchise, and I think I will skip any other sequels. I'll stick with the original and be happy.

Red Carpet Movie Premiere!

Saturday was the much anticipated (for me, anyway) Syracuse premiere of Pope Joan.

First, a bit about the book. Written by Donna Woolfolk Cross, it gives a fictional account of the life of Johanna von Ingelheim, the woman who allegedly rose through the Catholic clergy until she was crowned Pope. The history surrounding Joan is hazy at best, much of the facts relying more on omissions than outright statements; but given the number of women over the centuries who have successfully lived as men, it is entirely likely that there was at one time a female Pope.

I digress. I read the book first in 9th grade English and loved it. I read it again a few more times and was trilled when I learned that not only is Sally a good friend of Cross, they were considering doing a fundraiser together centered around the movie.

For those who do not know, Sally is my mother's partner and also the director of the Matilda Joslyn Gage Foundation in Fayetteville, NY. The foundation always needs sponsors, and what better fundraiser than a mock red carpet movie premiere?

Sally got me a ticket for Christmas, so I had three whole months too look forward to a weekend out of Maine and a chance to dress to the nines. This premiere thing was serious - my ticket included a special talk before the film by Cross herself, as well as a complementary feather boa. Mom's and Sally's included a limo ride. I decided to go all out and have an entirely new look - I'd been wanting to cut my hair short for a while, so I finally took the plunge and got my first pixie since age 4. I rather like it, even though I realized belatedly that it makes me look even more like my mother than I already did.

Sally, my mom and I all got ready at the same time, and let me tell you, three women trying to use one bathroom simultaneously is quite a feat. A lovely woman at the Macy's at Carousel Mall did my makeup, so at least I didn't have to worry about that.

I fully recommend you use this service if you ever need semi-professional make up done. The people are friendly, they instruct you how to do it yourself, and often give you samples. Also, it's free.

The red carpet events themselves were a lot of fun - there were fake paparazzo and security guards (John and John John, who seemed to have based there performance on Joe Pesci), lots of alcohol and nibbles, and an hour long talk by Cross about the 13 year ordeal of turning a novel into a movie. She was lucky, as far as authors go, to have a major hand in writing the script. Most sell the rights to their book and that is the last they have to do with it. The crowd was predominantly female and politically liberal, so I had a lot of people to talk to.

Now, as for the move itself:

For the most part, it was pretty good. Adapted the story pretty well, I'm sure due at least in part to the author helping to write the script. The casting for Joan, both the teenage and adult stages, was fantastic - both actresses were great. John Goodman was an odd choice, and I for one could not get over the fact that it was John Goodman playing the Pope, and enjoy the acting. David Wenham was good as the love interest, and is sweet enough that we are able to overlook the fact that he is putting the moves on a girl the age of his daughters. The cinematography was phenomenal - sweeping landscapes and intense closeups. The climax does not shy away from tragedy, and we look on as one in the crowd of worshipers.

On the other hand, the film relied far too heavily on voice over, of which I am almost never an advocate. It can be done well, but not in this case. Long scenes are narrated in a way that makes me wonder why we weren't shown a scene of equal length that could do this exposition in a much more interesting manner. To quote the Newhouse mantra, "Show; don't Tell." This goes for the rest of the script. A lot of the dialogue was very good, but some, as with some of the situations characters are thrown into, was so heavy handed it had me rolling my eyes.

As usual, I prefer the book to the movie, but it wasn't bad. Certainly worth a watch, if for no other reason than to get you interested in Joan's life. If fiction, it is a good story - if fact, it is a remarkable accomplishment that should not have been buried in history the way it has been.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - Movie Review

**/5

Dave and I went to see HP 7 pt 1 at the midnight release - the first time I had done so for a Harry Potter film, and only the second ever (the first was for Star Wars: Episode Three - George Lucas needs more money). Fortunately, I can say that I liked The Deathly Hallows more than Revenge of the Sith.

Sadly, not by much.

Now, I know many of my issues with the movie - as they have been with all in this series - are due to the fact that I am a huge fan of the books. Very rarely do you get a movie adaptation that is comparable to the book - The Lord of the Rings films come to mind as some of the only in this category. I have been consistently disappointed with the Harry Potter films in large part because they are being targeted at children, and consequently are much shorter and lighter than they would be if they were more true to the books. Two and a half hours simply isn't enough to do justice to a 700 page book. That's 150 pages of script, which involves considerably less than 150 pages of prose.

A lot of characters and plot lines have been left out of the films that made sense, I will not argue with that. Peeves was missed, but never terribly necessary, other than for comic relief. Other things, however, ought to have been kept in: Hedwig's name is never mentioned in The Sorcerer's Stone, Harry's patronus is never explained in The Prisoner of Azkaban, and even Dubledore's death in The Half Blood Prince is almost entirely glossed over. This, and the failure to introduce characters in earlier movies, made for an extremely choppy and abrupt experience with The Deathly Hallows part 1.

The first 15 minutes of the film viewed like a bullet-point list of information: the Dursleys leave, Hermione wipes the memories of her parents, Tonks and Lupin are suddenly married, and oh yea, that's Mundungus Fletcher, who we should have seen two movies ago. It was as though the writer read the first 50 pages of the book, went "Damn, I need to establish this and this and this", and decided to do it all in one sentence. I was rather unimpressed with the writing.

Meanwhile, omissions are happening all over the place, some of which really detract from the characters. We get to build-up of Ron loosing his cool, he just suddenly snaps. We had a nice little scene with Harry and Ginny at the beginning of the film, and as soon as the trio leave the wedding, that's it. No mention of her. This makes Harry look quite the jerk, not giving a damn about his (ex)girlfriend, who also happens to be Ron's sister.

At the same time as all of these parts are being left out, we get to one of my biggest complaints of the movies: writers adding their owns scenes just for the hell of it. Hermione wiping her parents memories was a tear-jerking scene which could have been summed up in a sentence the way it was in the book. The Harry/Hermione dance scene was utterly pointless, and the time could have been used much better. The extremely bizarre storytelling sequence could have been shortened considerably, and I would have preferred live action rather than the shadow puppet animation.

(Side note, did anyone else think that Death looked suspiciously like General Grievous from Revenge of the Sith?)

The one part that was left in, which I felt could have been easily removed (I felt like this about the book as well) was the destruction of the locket. That was a long (rather risque) scene which, when compared to the destruction of the other horcruxes, is overkill. Again, I felt the time could have been put to better use elsewhere.

Overall, my feeling about the movie was that it was very choppy. There is so much to cover in the book - and this first part covered the first 2/3rds, rather than the first 1/2. There was no sense of the time that the trio have to spend planning everything - we just go from one scene to another with no time to breathe in between. Rather than the methodical, mature characters we get in the book, the Harry, Ron and Hermione of the movie plunge into things face first without thinking them through.

All in all, not a fan.

Easy A - Movie Review

*****/5

If Emma Stone was not already a star for her roles in Superbad and Zombieland, Easy A has certainly made her one. Olive is an unpopular senior whose lie of losing her virginity to a college student is overheard and spread around the school. Further lies are told (at her monetary gain) to boost the popularity of her supposed partners, and with each one, her self esteem falls as her infamy rises. Stone perfectly fits the role of an intelligent but uncool teen, while being attractive enough that the storyline is believable. The woman has intense charisma, and I know we will see a lot more of her in the coming years.

The formula for Easy A was very much like that of Juno (2007) - a sharp, wise-cracking high school outcast with a quirky family, just trying to get by with a stigma put on her by classmates. Of course, Juno is stigmatized because she had sex (and got pregnant), while Olive is ostracized simply because people think she did.

Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson are hysterical as Dill and Rosemary - Olive's not-quite-hippie parents. The banter of those two provided some of my favorite scenes in the movie - the discussion of their African-American son's adoption ("Who told you?!"), their daughter's name ("Is there an Olive here?" "Yes, there's a whole jar in the fridge.") and how it's OK to be gay ("I was gay once, everyone does it!"). I love Stanley Tucci more in every movie I see him in, and hopefully Easy A gives him an in on other teen comedies - amusing fathers or teachers are a necessity for this genre, and he fits the bill perfectly.

There were some incredibly poignant and topical scenes in the movie - the one in which the gay high school student begs Olive to help him because he is 'bullied every day and doesn't know if he can take any more of it' was especially moving, considering the number of suicides by LGBT teens recently. This was not missed by the audience in my theater either - all whispering conversation died as we watched a young man struggle with tears as he told of his abuse. Brandon eventually accepts who he is and escapes the torments of high school, as everyone participating in the It Gets Better project will tell you is possible.

That is the main thing that sets this movie apart from the one I keep hearing it compared to, Mean Girls (2004). Mean Girls was funny and a fairly accurate portrayal of high school, and I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong. But what it lacked was sincerity and heart - I don't recall a single moment in the movie where I thought "wow, that person is really hurting inside because of other people, I hope they'll be OK". In fact, the one gay character in Mean Girls is a walking stereotype, and seems completely unaffected by the rare, offhand slur in his direction. Not in the least realistic. Easy A had laughs aplenty, and a great deal of actual emotion behind it. There should be more movies of this nature and less of the inaccurate (and referenced throughout the movie) works of John Hughes. Teens should be able to see movies about actual teenage problems and solutions, not daydreams.

Piranha 3D - Movie Review

*/5

Dave and I went to go see this with a friend of ours, in the hopes of an amusingly bad horror flick. That's what it looks like in the previews, doesn't it? There were some laughs, don't get me wring, they were just few and far between, and overshadowed by so much blood and guts I was occasionally nauseous. It takes quite a lot to bother me and make me turn my head from the screen, but I caught myself doing that a few times in this movie. I was warned about one scene, by Jocelyn and I will pass the warning along - do not look during the propeller scene. You'll know when you get to it, and you'll thank me.

The main character in this film, Jake, is played by Steven R. McQueen, the 22 year old grandson of the great Steve McQueen. Steven has yet to gain the acting talent of his grandfather, and hopefully he will do so soon, or I fear we will not see much of him. Jake is the son of the sheriff in town, played by Elisabeth Shue. The location is Lake Victoria, an apparently fictional hot-spot for college spring break madness. I have never heard of college students going to a lake for spring break, but maybe that's just me.

As it is spring break, and as Lake Victoria is a go-to place for drunken college kids, there are a lot of boobs. I repeat, A LOT of boobs. I think, it fact, there may be more boobs than piranhas. If all you want in a movie is full frontal, female nudity, and screaming 20-somethings being ripped to shreds by fish the size and shape of a football, then Piranha 3D is the movie for you. If, on the other hand, you are looking for some witty dialogue and a half interesting plot, you might want to save the $15.

As the title proudly proclaims, it is in 3D. It wasn't supposed to be, however. When the movie first went into production, it was, and then it wasn't, and then it was again. This back and forth is painfully obvious, as it clearly wasn't actually filmed in 3D. The screen is occasionally so dark you can't actually see anything, and there is a sequence at the beginning where I had to take the glasses off to uncross my eyes.

Now that I have soundly trashed the movie, I would like to list the few things I enjoyed about it. Elisabeth Shue was, as always, good. Jerry O'Connell was amusing as a truly lecherous porn director. The piranhas were pretty creepy looking. Richard Dreyfus, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames were all in it, but had a collective 10 minutes of screen time, so I'm pretty sure this was a paycheck movie for them.

So, yea. Not my favorite. Not really that fun, and certainly not worth the insane price for a 3D movie ticket.

IMDb movie link